11-22-04 / 4:15am
retromoodage
http://www.creed-fanatic.com/m1xe/overrated/viewpic.php?p=span_comm_dillon.jpg
*sigh*
isnt it weird how music takes you back in time, to another place?
back in early highschool i started an MP3 collection. it never got too huge but it had a good pile of songs that i liked. i hadn't listened to them in quite a while, so i added them all to my current playlist and listened through them... its scary how memories come rushing back when i listen to them, they remind me of the time when i listened to each of them. hanging out with dillon and bryan at the tri-valley track meet, listening to RHCP - Otherside. sitting on the floor crammed in the back of the bus with dillon, adam, geoff, jackie, michelle, listening to Lit - My Own Worst Enemy. i could go on and on... but i wont.
sometimes they make me wish i could go back in time, relive some of those events. even though i got out of that school hating it, i had some real memories back then. problem is that it cant be that way anymore... we grew up... we all went to school, a place where school matters. we all got jobs, jobs that take up our whole lives. we all care about boyfriends and girlfriends now (well not that we didnt back then). theres just no more whole-class bus trips to Great Adventure anymore, no more DJing during Fall Fest, no more roaming the halls during the 15 minutes after the end of 9th period.
~ i still want to make that movie you and me talked about, it would capture my highschool life, it would capture my history, my memories. i know it probably wont happen though. and memories only last so long... and its just a matter of time before my yearbook pages slowly lose their meaning, before you forget about me and forever leave my life. everyone else almost already has. ~
*sigh*
i dont really understand the point of this, once you grow out of childhood, whats so great about living? you waste your life in college so you have this "degree" everyone talks about, so you can get a good job, so you can spend your whole life doing something for someone else every day. then you get too old to do that, so you retire and sit in a chair watching Jeopardy all day. theres no more excitement over new toys that come out, no more going to KB's to marvel at the new things that have come out. theres no more going over tim's house to skateboard for hours on end, to build skateparks and bobsleds. if you dont know what i mean, try to think about treehouses and blanket forts in the basement... they kinda lost their fun, no? if you actually got yourself to spend the time building either, youd sit in it and be like crap, this is small and ghey, this is no fun. building ramps out of blocks to race a Tyco FastTraxx RC car off of isnt fun anymore either.
theres no more imagination and adventure once you get to a certain age, and it sucks.
| we grew up way too fast
| and now theres nothing to believe
| and reruns all become our history
| a tired song keeps playing on a tired radio
| and i wont tell no one your name
heres just a glimpse;
New Found Glory - Hit or Miss
Bon Jovi - Its My Life
Buck Cherry - For the Movies
Dishwalla - Counting Blue Cars
Eve 6 - On the Roof Again
Fuel - Hemorrhage
Goo Goo Dolls - Name
Lit - My Own Worst Enemy
Marvelous 3 - Freak of the Week
Nine Days - Absolutely (Story of a Girl)
RHCP - Otherside
Seven Channels - Breathe
Sister Hazel - All for You
Soul Asylum - Run Away Train
Spin Doctors - Two Princes
Train - Meet Virginia
Vertical Horizon - Best I Ever Had
how do these songs make YOU feel?
--::x::--
...next
11-21-04 / 7:11am
MY ANUS IS BLEEDING, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD AND ALL THINGS HOLY, MY ANUS IS BLEEDING!
http://mybanana.ytmnd.com/
i believe you have my banana phone?
**** I GOT THE "ADD A RESPONSE" LINK UNDER THE JOURNAL ENTRIES WORKING! so click on the link below and give me some comments... ****
im a retarded dork (but Sarah loves me anyway) mm that she does ;)
--::x::--
...next
11-15-04 / 6:16pm
so let me slip, against the current
im not thinking about anything, im not worrying about anything, im not doing anything, im not feeling anything.
only thing possibly lingering in my head is about how ive considered graphics design as a major or minor. it keeps popping back up, i know i would like it, but its not really me... or is it...?
ill just sit here and let the techno music absorb into my brain. perhaps if it puts me deeper into this mood, ill play around with photoshop and maybe make a ninth wallpaper.
--::x::--
...next
11-12-04 / 12:22pm
confused with why i do these stupid survey things
http://m1xe.creed-fanatic.com/joshjoyce.jpg
josh joyce, the science guy.
last kiss: sarah
last cigarette: junior year, on beach day
last car ride: drove me and pete to Haar's Auction (flea market)
last good cry: on the phone w/ my mom
last library book checked out: i believe it was some Anorexia books i did for a report in 9th grade
last movie seen: happy gilmore. i love that movie
last book read: farenheit 451, beginning of this semester
last cuss word uttered: i dont keep track...
last beverage drank: got a coke at work
last food consumed: a lottie bagel!
last phone call: called some girl Mary at ex 5190 to tell her computer is fixed
last tv show watched: part of seinfeld
last time showered: yesterday afternoon, and again once i finish this entry
last shoes worn: a pair of reebok's, one old and beat up, one new and clean. im sooooo weird
last cd played: flaw - through the eyes
last item bought: a bottle of coke
last downloaded: a few cds
last annoyance: squeaky stools at work, when u spin they squeak SO LOUD, AAAHH
last disappointment: that today isnt over yet, like it should be
last soda drank: una coca
last thing written: "coca"
last word spoken: "good morning pete" at 12:15pm. he said "hey" rolled back over and is asleep again. crazy kid.
last sleep: slept till 9:50, had to work at 10
last im: jimmybolshevik (10:03:47 AM): i love bill nye
last time hugged: last night, sarah :)
last time scolded: eric yelling at me for not calling my parents yet to ask if he can drop off a load of car parts to my house.. hehe
last chair sat in: my crappy one. besides that, a nice soft blue office chair at work
last shirt worn: Chapel Field Christian HS Athletics... BOOOOO
last time dancing: beats me
last poster looked at: my N*SYNC one!!
last show attended: saw creed on new years eve with kyle. that was their last show ever, before they broke up...
last webpage visited: http://www.livejournal.com/users/battenzimmer/
and THATS ALL FOLKS
--::x::--
...next
11-11-04 / 12:12pm
kinda random, just thinking about a lot of things.
http://contenderministries.org/buddhism/beliefs.php#dahrma
sixth paragraph and its list that follows
whats the deal with christian music? i just got out of the shower, and the bathroom radio was playing some christian song that sounded very similar to 'saliva - click click boom.' whats the thinking behind this, if the music doesnt have christian-related lyrics, constantly singing about god and jesus, then its evil? if the cd booklet doesnt have a cross on the front, its evil? i dont have a problem with christian lyrics or graphics on cds, but the music itself, quite frankly, usually sucks. i love music, i need music... so the idea behind this whole system is that im supposed to deny myself of good music, and force myself to listen to substandard sounds just because the words being sung are filled with christianese instead of someone singing about their owm life, their concerns, their problems? i have so many stories about my dad, who thought i was being corrupted and bringing myself down and hurting my soul because i listened to Bush all the time. he got worse when he heard what Cold sounded like, and even worse when he found out i liked Disturbed. but thats a whole nother story that i wont get into. i have so many problems with my dads overprotective strictness...
also dont get me started on the 'jesus junk' that christian bookstores sell. ugh... burn em down, i say.
while im on the subject, a thought crossed my mind while i was in chapel this morning, the speaker said something about how christianity is the only correct religion, or something. if thats not what he said, well, its good enough and thats what im gonna base this paragraph off of. ...now lets think about muslims. or buddhists. or almost any other religion: dont you think that they are saying the same thing about their own religion, that its the only way to heaven, or nirvana, or good karma or whatever? if i was born into a muslim family, i would have grown up muslim, and thats what i would believe was the only correct religion, and that christianity is wrong. now this makes me wonder even further, and makes me analyze my own life. i grew up in a semi strict christian family, so i never had any real opportunity to do anything 'bad' by christian standards. the more i get out on my own, the less i pray [never] the less i go to church [never] the more i curse, the more i do... other stuff... but i dont feel bad about it? does this mean im not a christian, and that i only thought i was, because it was my parents reflecting off of me? i dont usually take peoples word for things, especially big things- im the kind of person that likes to explore and find things out for myself. ive never had that big, lifechanging event that you read about in peoples 'testimonies.' ive never had even just a small example that shows me that christianity is true, like pastor ron says it is.
just something to think about from the retarded mind of a relativistic college kid.
--::x::--
...next
11-10-04 / 2:34am
idk
http://m1xe.creed-fanatic.com/senior-page.jpg
my page in the CF senior yearbook
i miss being random with dillon. i miss drinking root beer and eating easycheese and crackers with john. i miss jackassing shopping carts in shoprite parking lots with justin. i miss hanging out with becky amy and lisa at lisas house. i miss eating lunch out on the dock with dave and jim. i miss going junkyarding with john. i miss movie nights at kyles house. i miss joking with myra. i miss writing random words on the walls with chalk in new paltz with frank. i miss doing web development with josh. i miss licking jackies car windows. i miss stealing signs and straws with kyle john and dillon. i miss smoking with julia cami and margie. i miss practicing roller coaster anarchy with adam. i miss cornwall garbage day with tim. i miss joking around about being gay with matt. i miss going to the mall with kristin. i miss meeting up with mauricio to do stuff with our accords.
i miss the newness of getting my first accord. i miss the pain and suffering of senior year. i miss slacking off and owning the school. i miss the excitement of being sucked into Myst. i miss spilling a plate of nachos on my lap at homecoming. i miss leaving school every day to go to mcdonalds. i miss designing the MD with dillon. i miss programming computer games. i miss writing lyrics to DRTCX songs. i miss randomly going to NJ to go sledding. i miss spending tons of time in friendly's causing mischeif.
i know its not the way life was, but its the way life is... and to that i say 'slutever.'
--::x::--
...next
11-09-04 / 3:26pm
these are the best days of our lives, why waste them worrying or overthinking?
http://www.imagestation.com/picture/sraid146/p97b972096a13c7a5f60c93bab11c5f53/f65450d4.jpg
steve waiting in line to race with his car's new look!
life is nothing without some element of spontaneity and adventureity. its those unplanned situations that we get into and work through that become our best [and sometimes worst] memories. i try to keep this in mind when things happen, and i try not to freak out when something happens, like if the car breaks down during a trip... i know that at some point, itll be taken care of, we/i will get home fine, the car will be fixed... so why freak? freaking out wont do anything about it, and itll only make you miss out on the unique experience that youre having. enjoy your forced opportunity to try and experience new things.
this weekend my alternator died in the car while me and sarah were driving down to steve's house in maryland saturday night. of course the car always dies halfway there, right in the middle. after doing a lot of calling around, i found out that mauricio would be passing by pretty close to us on his way down to the CB7Tuner car meet down in maryland [thats where we were going, just a day early]... so mauri grabbed his extra alternator and him and his group stopped to save me and sarah on sunday morning... so you ask what happened between sat night and sun morning, no? well without a driveable car, and stopped in a completely unknown random town with no hotels or car parts places, there wasnt much we could do. luckily we both brought blankets and pillows for the night at steves... so we dropped the seats back and snuggled into bed. in the car. in a walgreen's parking lot. come next morning, i washed my hair, face, brushed my teeth and changed in the walgreen's employee bathroom, sarah in burger king's.
crazy adventures i tell you! sha!
i have to admit, it was fun. i enjoyed the 'difficult' situation. it brought me a lot closer to sarah, brought dynamicness to my weekend. i must admit, im glad it happened. me and sarah even shared those three special words with each other that night... :-X
every day i spend with her, she gets more and more wonderful, and i get more comfortable being myself... and this is in the messiah-time-warp squishedness of time [what is this, create-a-word day?]
oh in other news, sunday was the cb7tuner meet like i said above. kickass i must admit, 20 or so 90-93 accords lined up in a parking lot and driving down the road, absolutely unbelievable and exciting to meet up with all my friends again and talk about the special car that we all love... its such a great experience. we all went to the maryland international raceway to watch some drag racing, saw steve-o run his new h22, watch some early model corollas run 9's.
this is how every weekend should be.
--::x::--
...next
11-03-04 / 1:42am
-
-
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Name: Michael Samuel
Are you happy with it? i dont care that much, better than my old name: Micael Sathya
Are you named after anyone? dont think so
Your screen name: cpm1xe [i have at least 60 others that i cant remember. literally]
Would you name a child of yours after you? nope
Then what would you name your children? i... dont know
If you were born a member of the opposite sex, what would your name be? Lisa or Sarah, and im not just saying that.
If you could switch names with a friend, who would that be? probly matt, cuz everyone calls me that anyway.
Are there any mispronunciations/typos that people do with your name constantly? just my last name. Masset, Masett, Massett.
Would you drop your last name if you became famous? nopers
- - - - -BASICS- - - - -
Your gender: male
Straight/gay/bi? totally straight, tho i joke about being gay, and lots of gay guys think i AM gay, then they hit on me and make me freak out...
Single? No
Want to be? No
Your birthdate: dec 15 1984
Age you act: 12
Age you wish you were: no care
Your height: 5'10" ?
The color of your eyes: brown.
Happy with it? sure
The color of your hair: brown
Happy with it? ive considered very dark blue, but otherwise im happy with it.
Left/right/ambidextrous? rightage to the max
Your living arrangement? rooming with peter!!
Your family: yes
Have any pets? I LOVE MY KITTY LICORICE TO DEATH!
Piercings? considered a few... but dont have any. yet... ?
Tattoos? not yet, ive been testing one out by drawing it with a sharpie... i like it alot so far... ill get it done soon.
Obsessions? blah ;)
Addictions? crack-cocaine
Do you speak another language? qbasic
Have a favourite quote? "slutever"
Do you have a webpage? ur on it. ive had tons of old ones, but those are in the vault from now on...
- - - - -DEEP THOUGHTS ABOUT LIFE AND YOU IN IT - - - -
Do you live in the moment? definately.
Do you consider yourself tolerant of others? yes, when they are around. but im super picky and the stupidest things bother me.
Do you have any secrets? too many
Do you hate yourself? sometimes
Do you like your handwriting? no, i see so many that i love. i love jenni's new neatprint style.
Do you have any bad habits? stop, ur gonna make me feel bad
What is the compliment you get most from people? i dont really recall receiving any specific complement alot...
If a movie was made about your life, what would it be called? Chapel Farm: Creating the Life of a Slacker
What's your biggest fear? dont really have any.
Can you sing? nope, even tho i won "male vocalist of the year" senior year in HS
Do you ever pretend to be someone else just to look cool? nope, cept when i dressed up as colin for halloween
Are you a loner? yep, but i pretend to be outgoing, and i think i pull it off pretty well.
What are your no. 1 priorities in life? ...
If you were another person, would you be friends with you? only if i found my specific humor funny
Are you a daredevil? yep, sometimes
Is there anything you fear or hate about yourself? yessir
Are you passive or aggressive? totally passive
Have you got a journal? guess..
What is your greatest strength and weakness? i think im easy to be around and talk to, but idk
If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be? less indecisive
There are three wells, love, beauty and creativity. Which do you drink from? i dont drink water. maybe if it was a coke well, id pick creativity.
Do you think you are emotionally strong? nope
Is there anything you regret doing/not doing in life? yes maam
Do you think life has been good so far? eh... blah.
What is the most important lesson you've learned from life? dont get caught cheating, bad things happen.
What do you like the most about your body? sarahhhhh :-X lol
And least? im a pale scrawny ugly boy
Do you think you are good looking? nope
Are you confident? nope
What is the fictional character you're most like? ive never read any stories so idk
Are you perceived wrongly? usually
- - - - DO YOU - - - - -
Smoke? no.
Do drugs? no.
Read the newspaper? no.
Pray? i probly should, but no.
Go to church? i stopped when i got to school...
Sleep with stuffed animals? no.
Take walks in the rain? :-D love it.
Talk to people even though you hate them? nope
Drive? love it!!
Like to drive fast? way too fast
- - - - - HAVE YOU EVER - - - - -
Liked your voice? not my real voice, only the voice i hear within myself ONCE IN A WHILE, like i dont like my voice on recordings and stuff, which is what other ppl hear.
Hurt yourself? on purpose u mean? blah :\
Been out of the country? mmhmm
Eaten something that made other people sick? yep
Done drugs? no.
Gone skinny dipping? not yet... lol
Had a medical emergency? idk, what level of badness is considered and emergency?
Had a surgery? cutting an ingrown toenail is technically considered surgery i think
Ran away from home? no.
Played strip poker ? no.
Gotten beaten up? not totally
Beaten someone up? ive hit ppl.
Been picked on? yes :\
Been on stage? yes
Slept outdoors? quite
Pulled an all-nighter? you mean like right now? i do it all the time.
If yes, what is your record? every night. one time i got no sleep the first night, and 3 hours the next, and was wide awake all day in between.
Gone one day without food? i dont eat
Talked on the phone all night? god knows. i killed my phone battery by making it die all the time
Slept together with the opposite sex without actually having sex first? yes
Slept all day? yes
Killed someone? like i would admit that in my journal.
Made out with a stranger? no.
Had sex with a stranger? no.
Thought you're going crazy? no.
Kissed the same sex? no.
Done anything sexual with the same sex? no.
Been betrayed? yea
Had a dream that came true? i dont dream
Broken the law? way too much
Met a famous person? yeah :)
Have you ever killed an animal by accident? yessir lol
On purpose? no
Told a secret you swore you wouldn't tell? yep.
Stolen anything? im a klepto
Been on radio/tv? apparently you could see me in the background during the coverage of the gay weddings in new paltz that i attended.
Been in a mosh-pit? mmhmm
Had a nervous breakdown? mmhmm
Considered religious vocation? no
Bungee jumped? i want to try
Had a dream that kept coming back? back when i was like, 3
- - - - -CLOTHES - - - - -
Shoe brand? whatever is plainest and most attractive to me
Brand of clothing? TSHIRTS, any brand, as long as i like it
Cologne/perfume? i forget the brand but i accidentally left it at home
What are you normally wearing to school? tshirt and khakis
Parties? are lovely
Wear hats? used to wear a white nike cap, but no not usually
Judge other people by their clothing? mmhmm
Wear make-up? lol ummm ;)
Favorite place to shop? ebay
Favorite article of clothing? deftones tshirt
Are you trendy? no
Would you rather wear a uniform to school? god no! dresscode was bad enough, but i never followed that.
- - - - - BELIEFS- - - - -
Believe in life on other planets? not intelligent life. but didnt they find bacteria on mars or something?
Miracles? yes
Astrology? nope
Magic? yep, but not the joke magic here, but yes it does exist in other areas and... stuff
God? yea
Satan? yea
Santa? that spelling looks scarily similar to "satan"
Ghosts? no
Luck? no
Love at first sight? no
Yin and Yang [that good can't exist without the bad]? yes
Witches? no
Easter bunny? no
Believe it's possible to remain faithful forever? yea
Believe there's a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow? no.
Do you wish on stars? i just like looking at them.
- - - - - THEOLOGICAL QUESTIONS- - - - -
Do you believe in the traditional view of Heaven and Hell? yeah.
Do you think God has a gender? not really
Do you think that science counteracts religion? nope
Do you believe in organized religion? yea
Where do you think we go when we die? Heaven or hell.
- - - - -FRIENDS- - - - -
Do you have any gay/lesbian friends? yeah
Who's the one person that knows most about you? nobody knows about me. probly sarah and lisa tho
What's the best advice that anyone has ever given to you? idk, i dont really recall any specific advice being given to me
Thing you're picked on most about? geekness
Who's your longest known friend? dillon
Newest? sarah
Shyest? sarah
Funniest? jenni and jesse
Sweetest? sarah
Closest? sarah and dillon
Weirdest? dillon
Smartest? idk, ben. alicia and jenni? not sure, lol.
Last person you talked to online? this guy burleigh
Who do you talk to most online? sarah, eric, mike, justin
Who are you on the phone with most? nobody now, but mostly dillon
Who do you trust most? nobody
Who listens to your problems? sarah
Who do you fight most with? i dont like fighting
Who's the nicest? idk.
Who's the most outgoing? dillon
Who's the best singer? i dont care. oh u mean out of my friends? havent heard them all sing, but probly schuyler
Who's on your shit-list? i dont have one
Have you ever thought of having sex with a friend? :-X
Do you like your family? usually :P
Do you always feel understood? no, so i never talk.
Who's the loudest friend? i dont like loud ppl, so im not usually friends with them very long :P
Do you trust others easily? no.
Name one person whose arms you feel safe in: sarah.
Do your friends know you? only the things ive actually told them.
Friend that lives farthest away: eric from florida
- - - - LOVE - - - -
Did you get frightened or uncomfortable seeing that as a section title? i didnt even realize there WERE section titles.
Do you consider love a mistake? what is love? [baby dont hurt me, dont hurt me, no more...]
What do you find romantic? why would i write the answer to that question down?
Do you prefer knowing someone before dating them or going "blind"? im a big supporter of the whole friends-first idea
Have you ever wished it was more "socially acceptable" for a girl to ask a guy out? no.
Have you ever been romantically attracted to someone physically unattractive? i, dont know.
Do you think the opposite sex finds you good looking? no sir
What is best about the opposite sex? ummm... heh... i lovey the stomach...
What is the worst thing about the opposite sex? is there anything bad?
Do you read porn? no
Read the articles? no
Just the pics? no
What's the last present someone gave you? i havent really gotten a real present recently.
Do you consider your significant other hot? god yes.
What would you do if you were walking down the street and saw some hot guy/girl standing on the sidewalk? act normal?
- - - - -RIGHT THIS MOMENT- - - - -
Are you going out? i probly should, go to class, or at least go eat lunch.
Will it be with your significant other? i would like her to join me, but i believe shes at class.
Are you with some random person? no
What are you wearing right now? New Paltz tshirt and khakis
Body-part you're touching right now: when im not typing, i have my left hand on my leg.
What are you worried about right now? dropping my math class, i just emailed my advisor 2 seconds ago.
What book are you reading? i dont read
What's on your mousepad? my mousepad is a pad of paper, it has album lists and phone numbers and the like
Use 5 words to describe how you're feeling: indecisive, unenthusiastic, lazy, bored, emotionless
Are you bored? yea
Are you tired? yea
Are you talking to anyone online? no
Are you talking to anyone on the phone? no
Are you lonely or content? both
Are you listening to music? no, cuz my roommate is asleep, but otherwise i listen 24/7
well whoopdefreakingdoo, that was a huge waste of time.
--::x::--
...next
10-31-04 / 3:19am HALLOWEENEY
mmmmmmm gravy moodage
http://www.redbaron.com/publish/images/ppage_c12i.gif
so yummity
ahhhhh sarah is wonderful
i went to my aunts house today for a party thingamabobber, my gma came up from florida for today, so me and my sis drove out there to see her. lots of food and talking and people. jenna and evan are so cute [cousin's youngins]. i was non-stop questioned about sarah, one by one every single one of my relatives asked "soooo i hear you found a girl..." etc etc etc... then i also had a follow-up conversation with my mom, in response to the phone conversation that we had a while back, and it was great to be able to talk to her about stuff, and she wanted more info about sarah, because hey, my mom has no idea whats going on cuz shes far away at home. i explained why i think me and sarah get along so well, why i think shes perfect for me, i tried to explain her personality and how she is, and just... her wonderfulness. it made my mom really happy. after actually voicing all of my thoughts on sarah to my mom, it made me appreciate sarah even more. like i dont mean to bring up past girls, but my year and a half with ingrid really helped me get a better sense of what i was looking for in a girl, and i dont want to be mean but moreso what i WASNT looking for in a girl... and sarahs just, the only way i can put it, perfect. every day that goes by she becomes even more and more attractive to me, shes such a beautiful girl even tho she doesnt think so. i stole some of her pics, and im gonna steal some more from jenni... and actually my pseudo-aunt debi asked me to email her a pic of sarah once i get back to college... i guess ill pick one out and send it to her tonight ;) then shes probably gonna show it to my real aunt karen, who will want to show it to richie and ilisa and debbie... mmm sarah i know youre reading this, and i know youre thrilled beyond belief slash this is probably making you want to die. i got back to school at like midnight, hung out with da peepages, went to try to find a papa johns to get some pizza but we went to walmart instead and got some frozen stuff, came home and had a 'pizza party'- and devon had a freaking huge cookie, look for hte pic in my gallery [link on the right]. mmmmmm he gave me one, its great i want another one and this lab is cold and im so tired and sarah just kissed my forehead and im blissfully happy.
i just turned around and looked at her and GOD SHES BEAUTIFUL
--::x::--
...next
10-28-04 / 1:56am
tho she gave me life, i wonder why she never feared that i would grow up so self-destructive, fucked up and indecisive
http://www.badgerbadgerbadger.com/
badgerbadgerbadgerbadger
today [technically yesterday really got me back on track, at least for a little while. most of the day i was very... emotionless... [see the previous post]... i talked to people without any expressions on my face, i just existed for a while, but thats it. my dad called about my car and the deal with that, thats not important, but he asked if i wanted to talk to mom. i knew i wanted to tell her everything that was going on with school sucking, with my depression and inability to do anything, and the two shitty reasons that pretty much made me this way. i just said 'sure' so she got on the phone, phase one complete. yada yada smalltalk, phase two complete. 'mom... umm' --- phase three, im stuck now, DAMMIT WHAT CAN I SAY TO GET ME OUT OF THIS... 'i wanted to talk to you about some stuff' --- phase four and its all freaking over now. i told her about the status of every one of my classes, how i was doing, what i was gonna fail [something i havent been honest about] - this turned into a conversation about WHY i couldnt do well in these classes... which got into the aspect of depression and ingrid [ :-X ] and chapel suck. i was crying my eyes out the whole conversation, something that hasnt happened to me in forever. its not that i dont feel emotion, i just forcefully trained myself to ignore it in tough situations, which led to never sleeping, never eating, never going to any classes or doing any work, and doing some other stupid stuff that i dont wanna say. i convinced myself that i was attempting to build up a tolerance for physical pain, no sleep, and no food. i also gave up all guilt and conscience and care.
anyhoo ive been alternating in and out of this, practically daily. isnt life fun?
so yeah me and my mom decided that im going to drop Differential Equations. ive never had a problem with math before, it just comes to me. cept this class, just... nothing is coming back to me... i hardly grasp the content anymore, i cant see the logicality anymore, i cant remember anything i did in any other previous math class, most of which i need to be able to do diff eq's. its not that the class is too hard at all, its pretty easy actually, its that im too uncapable of thinking anymore.
i think i would probably be dead if it werent for sarah. probably not dead, but at least piss drunk or high somewhere. but thats another story.
tonight was cool because right after my convo with my mom, i went to dinner with the 'group' - even tho i was pretty much just staring out into space and not saying anything, things seemed more... normal. we then made heart shaped brownies [lol] and all went out to the meadow w/ blankets see the lunar eclipse. i even got to see jesse and josh and todd and all the other people who have been missing. laying in a pile of friends and blankets under the stars was... much needed. i feel slightly content, a little more settled, and i think i know how to take care of some of the problems with my schoolwork.
i guess tomorrow is yet another day, we will see where it goes. i want the weekend to come, i wanna go see the Village, i want to hang out with everyone more, i love them. i need them, no matter what i said below.
by the way, energy drinks dont cure bland unemotional people. they end up staying just as bland and unemotional, just... not sleepy.
i feel like im talking like sarah, which i probably am. geez, shes wonderful... heh... i couldnt ask for someone better for me, or someone prettier... shes perfect, even down to the navel ring.
--::x::--
...next
10-27-04 / 12:29pm
forced indifference
http://m1xe.creed-fanatic.com/Infected%20Mushroom%20-%2013%20-%20Elevation.mp3
elevation
it took me this long to find an amazing group of friends at school, and its all disappearing right in front of my eyes... what used to be awesomely fun movie nights is now "yeah i think im gonna go do homework and go to sleep..." and everybody leaves. what used to be great excitement to run into those same people has turned into awkwardness. i dont want to go to class today, i want to skip again. but i would be skipping all the same classes i skipped on monday, and id be like a week behind in two of my worst classes. ugh.
SLUTEVER i dont even care anymore, who needs friends.
--::x::--
...next
10-25-04 / 12:47pm
tally-ho!
http://www.alterbridgefan.com/images/webvoltage/temp/93ex/swappics/after-motor-dropin.jpg
during working on my car... more pics in the link below
more pics:: right here
i didnt get to write in my journal recently because i wasnt at the comp, and i need this specific computer to write in it. but anyway if you know me, u know how my weekend was... got the car done ;)
heres some randomness that i copied from sarah and jenni:
____YOUR LIFE____
[x] they call me: mike
[x] also: mikey [friends] / cpmike [cb7t] / m1xe [net] / michael / michaleuskha or miguel [jenni]
[x] sex: sure.
[x] my first breath of air: dec 15 1984
[x] age: 19
[x] status: [illegal function call]
[x] occupation: student / work-study computer tech
[x] nationality: pale scrawny white guy
[x] best homegirl[s]: sarah jenni and alicia. whats about homeboys? :-P
____REWIND____
[x] most memorable memory: spending a week w/ dilley, catching up after not talking for too long, and working on my car together.
[x] worst?: getting hit on by old gay guys
[x] first word uttered: "music" i believe
[x] first bestfriend ever!?: tim jones
____FAST FORWARD____
[x] college planning to go: im at messiah
[x] future resident of: japan for a little bit, then ill travel the US probly
[x] wedding: eventually.
[x] children: mmhmm, itd be cool to have one of each, but id be happy with whatever and however many come out :-P
[x] looking forward to thanksgiving: nope, i dont like food.
[x] NOT looking forward to: any more school :'(
____PLAY____
[x] feeling: lonely and bored
[x] Listening: goo goo dolls - iris [and the rest of dizzy up the girl]
[x] Talking: i wish
[x] doing: thinking
[x] craving: easymac. im being honest jenni, i NEED EASYMAC
[x] thinking of: sarah :-X
[x] hating: schoolwork, dave matthews, that im wasting my time doing this when i have crap i should be doing.
____LOVE?____
[x] love is: patient, kind, not envious boastful proud or rude, trustworthy, hopeful, and unfailing. i still remember those from like 4th grade...
[x] first love: ingrid
[x] current love: sarah and my car, heh
[x] love or lust?: love
[x] best love song: idk.
[x] is it possible to be in love w/ more than one person @ the same time?: theres multiple kinds of love.
[x] when love hurts, you: pretend to not care and go hang out with friends. eventually you learn to not care about anything, or have any emotions.
[x] true or false - all you need is love: nope.
[x] have you ever been in love?: yes
[x] is there such thing as love @ first sight?: attraction @ first sight that can turn into love if u actually get to know the person.
____THE OPPOSITE SEX____
[x] turn ons: tis a secret ;)
[x] turn offs: ditsy dumbness
[x] does your parents' opinion on your bf/gf matter to you?: yes
[x] what kinda hair style?: no matta.
[x] the sweetest thing a member of the opposite sex can do for you?: idk.
[x] where do you go to meet new people?: going alone to lottie, accepting random invitations to run in the rain with people i dont know.
[x] are you the type of person to holler n ask for numbers?: far from it.
____PICKY PICKY____
[x] dog or cat: MAH KITTY!!!!!!
[x] short or long hair: i always thought i liked long but apparently i love short too, it can look good ;)
[x] innie or outie: in with a ring hehehehe
[x] sunshine or rain: tons of rain, all the time.
[x] moon or sun: moon, when its warm.
[x] basketball or football: i think they typoed, they meant to type fooSball. in that case, i pick foosball :-D
[x] righty or lefty: roight on
[x] hugs or kisses: both are wonderful.
[x] 1 best friend or 10 acquaintances: 1
[x] bf/gf or best friend: to jump on the bandwagon, both in one.
[x] tv or cd playa: computer w/ buttloads of music
[x] starbucks or jamba juice: wtf are you talking about, i dont drink anything.
[x] mc donalds or burger king: big&tasty's at mcds
[x] summer or winter: fall and spring, i dont like extremes
[x] written letters or e-mails: either.
[x] playstation or nintendo: playstation rocks but nintendo NEVER gets old.
[x] disney or nickelodeon: sarah is right on with this one, nick was awesome, but then turned to crap, and disney picked up - even stevens was amazing.
[x] car or motorcycle: MY car
[x] house party or club: house, clubs and bars suck
[x] sing or dance: im a guy, neither. but DEF NOT SINGING
[x] freak or slow dance: slow.
[x] yahoo messenger or aim: yahoo sucks butt
[x] google or ask jeeves?: ask jeeves is retarded
____MISCELLANEOUS____
[x] can you swim?: quite
[x] whats your most embarrassing moment?: i dont really get too embarassed, so idk.
[x] what are you scared of?: nothing really.
[x] what is your greatest accomplishment?: swapping a motor with only a ratchet set and absolutely ZERO knowledge or experience.
[x] do you like tomatoes?: sliced with 'good seasons' balsamic vinagarette on em
[x] how many TVs in the house?: back home, 3. used to be 5.
[x] how many phones?: 8 [5 cordless] but since i left for school, my parents dropped the second line and rearranged alot of the phones and got some new cordless ones, so im not sure now... its scary tho...
[x] how many residents?: me and pete in the dorm, but home, theres 5 in the fam, but me and my sis are away at school.
[x] how many DVDs do you have?: 3 or 4 maybe.
[x] last dentist visit: not too long ago, that was the time i had 12 cavities and 7 starting. that was fun, i ask him to not use novacaine anymore, because i got used to getting drilled without it.
[x] last doctor visit: i dont like doctors or medicine, so i dont use either.
[x] last phone call: called some random guy while i was at work, telling him what was wrong with his comp :P besides that, i called sarah over the weekend.
--::x::--
...next
10-16-04 / 10:40pm
tally-ho!
http://www.alterbridgefan.com/images/webvoltage/temp/overrated/viewpic.php?p=all_nighter.jpg
just a random pic :)
i cant believe whats going on.
i came to this school, and actually made myself meet tons of people. i met tons of people all day every day, and it was cool cuz a good part of them were because of my roommate introducing me. when i went to go eat at lottie, i would make it my business to go alone, so i could sit at a random table to meet another group of people. a neverending supply of new people... single serving friends.
thats all fine and lovely, woohoo now i have tons of acquaintances, but i never really fit in with any of them, or with any of my roommate pete's friends. i always figured i would just end up hanging with pete, ryan, kelsey, ashley, sarah, gina, jorey... but they just werent like me.
a couple weeks into september i stepped out of my room late at night and this guy schuyler is walking down the hallway in his bathing suit and has a towel, so my pseudo-outgoing self asks this random guy wtf hes doing. he says hes going running around in the rain w/ a group of ppl. i absolutely adore the rain [rain and cats] so i of course join him when he asks. he introduces me to some of his friends.
they are the coolest people ever, they are exactly like me, i feel like i fit in, i feel accepted. idk how to explain what happened w/ sarah that night, we hit it off and it kinda ended up turning into us being really good friends. i talk[ed] to her all the time, we get along so well, we understand each other... when the 'group' watches movies, we usually end up just talking to each other the whole time. shes great, and shes beautiful too. but thats another story :\
within a month, these people have completely made my life. i love them to death, i cant handle not being with them, they are so fun. i explained sarah above, jenni comes up with these awesome ideas, daniel is just like me [more on this later], jesse is the funniest man alive, alicia and schuyler are totally cool, and theres other people who always join us, josh, ben, brian, colin [wink wink], sarah M, todd, etc etc. ive had the best times of my life already, we often end up staying up the entire night hanging out [literally] like once a week. most other nights ppl slowly go back to their rooms and me and sarah stay up talking till early morning... i cant even remember all of the amazing stuff weve done, and i cant even explain how wonderful it is.
midnight picnics [daniels 18th bday], easymac parties, chinese parties, spending hours in the elevator laughing and playing monopoly, going to the R/roof floor [ARRRRRRR], riding on top of the elevator [hehehehe daniel, we are gonna own the elevator!], spending forever hours in lottie, playing smash bros and mariokart w/ tons of ppl, playing mariokart inside of the elevator [yes, yes we did] watching shooting stars out in the meadow [you two are wonderful, i love you], going to a bonfire, procrastinating, shuffling lounge chairs between floors/elevator, quoting tons of movies and homestarrunner, playing four square for hours, which turned into human pinball, watching tons of movies, having a lounge sleepover [sarah: "go back to sleep daniel"], using loads of salt, making mr. pepper, i cant even remember what else, but its all amazingly wonderful, and i love every minute of it, and i cant wait to see what happens with the rest of this year.
i just wish it didnt take me that long to meet them, i missed out on a lot.
only thing i regret is that i spend so much time with them that i havent been talking to my other people as much, like kylie, katie marie, pete, dave, laura, stevie, kevin, carrie, beth, phil, and i dont even know who else.
im never around, i go to class, hang in my room for a little while, and once i leave for dinner, im gone with everyone until like 6am the next morning.
these are the best days of our lives, and especially mine. i hope it just continues to get better, in more ways than one [hopefully you know]. it blows your mind drastically, fantastically.
im going to cry when i need to go home, i think i want to steal them all away and take them all with me. cool thing is, my parents probably wouldnt care. well they might care if i take them all, but not if i take just a few of them. well, a couple. or how bout just one.
im going home for fall break late wed, oct 20th, so i can finish my motor swap in my car. ill be meeting mauricio on wed [i get to see his car running finally!!!!] and justin is probably coming later, like friday. i miss my car, and its gonna be great having it on campus- i can help contribute to bringing some of the fun off campus too, like when everybody is hungry late at night, i can bring them all to a really good diner that i know of ;)
p.s. i miss my cat, my sister's new apartment has a cat in it and im insanely jealous. i adore cats, i want to see my Licorice right now. dammit :(
i dont think ive ever written so much in my life.
--::x::--
...next
10-14-04 / 1:54pm
i dot dot dot don apostrophe t even know what to say question mark
--::x::--
...next
10-12-04 / 10:40pm
meh... :\
../carter_street.jpg
this lovely pic [redundant link]
in honor of tonight's who's zoomin who, i give you this lovely pic... mind you, not my entire neighborhood/city looks like this, but alot of it does. actually my immediate area, like my block and the couple around it, are semi nice, but it still scares some ppl to walk down my street... :shrugs:
--::x::--
...next
10-12-04 / 3:17pm
disconnected
http://m1xe.creed-fanatic.com/ill nino - i am loco.txt
i am loco, te falta un poco!
isnt it weird how a really great night ends [it went from absolute crap to great] then the next day feels completely separated from it, like the night before never happened? like you feel accomplished, you have a great time looking at the stars, things are good, ur in bed early... then the next morning BAM ur in a crappy mood and everything sucks?
extra link of the day: ill nino - i am loco.mp3
p.s. i hope you feel better sarah, try not to let it get to you, i think you need to have a really good night again ;)
--::x::--
...next
10-11-04 / 3:43am
restless
http://www.hasbro.com/monopoly/images/funstuff6.gif
this was jenni at the end of the game
we are so weird... just got back from playing monopoly with sarah and jenni in the center of the elevator... we got some weird looks from ppl who were trying to ride the elevator. the sit-on-mikes-crotch man said that it was a cool idea, so yeah rock on. jenni beat the crap out of us, i just got done crying.
--::x::--
...next
10-10-04 / 7:00pm
disoriented
i just woke up a little while ago, my day is totally thrown off... i woke up and pete was sleeping too, so i thought it was morning. but once i woke up i realized that i didnt go to sleep at all last night...
i hung out with jenni for a while, went to lottie to look for ppl, then to larsen for dinner. we met up with everyone else and were playing 4 square for god knows how long [which turned into human pinball], rode the elevator for forever longer [ARRRRRR], watched 2 movies, played 4 square again [which turned into laying on the lounge floor rolling the ball back and forth, laziness took over]... these are the best nights ever. the ball we were playing with has all these questions on it [i guess they used it as an icebreaker ball], one of which being "what makes you most happy?" at first i didnt know, but as the night went on i was like yeah, its definately being with friends. i can be in the worst mood or whatever and if i hang out w/ friends, it all goes away... [side note, sarah is so cool]
i want school to end, i cant deal with weekdays anymore... i cant do work, i just wanna hang out with friends.
slutever.
--::x::--
...next
10-09-04 / 5:40pm
soooo lazy
http://www.alterbridgefan.com/images/webvoltage/temp/mezmermies/jenni_sarah_alicia.jpg
missage :(
i was in rachael's room over on grantham 3rd, on my way out i figured id stop by and say hi to the 302 girls... but those crazy weirdos were asleep! i guess the late night movie nights were too much for them.
im so bored that i showed my sister how to get up to the roof floor of the elevator, theres a special trick i figured out how to get the button to light up. im gonna buy a lock pick set on ebay and go up there and get the roof door open, so we can hang out on teh roof. thatd be hot.
i wish they were awake, because i miss them and im bored. at least i got to eat lunch with jesse, cuz hes cool.
i think im turning emo, dangit, and ive been listening to less hard stuff, and more counting crows, story of the year, the used, vertical horizon, even that The Calling song and omg... dashboard confessional! argh... even lifehouse... fuel, marvelous three...
--::x::--
...next
BUFFER*date
BUFFER*mood
BUFFER*url
BUFFER*title
BUFFER*for testing
--::x::--
-EOF-
usually
Judge other people by their clothing? mmhmm
Wear make-up? lol ummm ;)
Favorite place to shop? ebay
Favorite article of clothing? deftones tshirt
Are you trendy? no
Would you rather wear a uniform to school? god no! dresscode was bad enough, but i never followed that.
- - - - - BELIEFS- - - - -
Believe in life on other planets? not intelligent life. but didnt they find bacteria on mars or something?
Miracles? yes
Astrology? nope
Magic? yep, but not the joke magic here, but yes it does exist in other areas and... stuff
God? yea
Satan? yea
Santa? that spelling looks scarily similar to "satan"
Ghosts? no
Luck? no
Love at first sight? no
Yin and Yang [that good can't exist without the bad]? yes
Witches? no
Easter bunny? no
Believe it's possible to remain faithful forever? yea
Believe there's a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow? no.
Do you wish on stars? i just like looking at them.
- - - - - THEOLOGICAL QUESTIONS- - - - -
Do you believe in the traditional view of Heaven and Hell? yeah.
Do you think God has a gender? not really
Do you think that science counteracts religion? nope
Do you believe in organized religion? yea
Where do you think we go when we die? Heaven or hell.
- - - - -FRIENDS- - - - -
Do you have any gay/lesbian friends? yeah
Who's the one person that knows most about you? nobody knows about me. probly sarah and lisa tho
What's the best advice that anyone has ever given to you? idk, i dont really recall any specific advice being given to me
Thing you're picked on most about? geekness
Who's your longest known friend? dillon
Newest? sarah
Shyest? sarah
Funniest? jenni and jesse
Sweetest? sarah
Closest? sarah and dillon
Weirdest? dillon
Smartest? idk, ben. alicia and jenni? not sure, lol.
Last person you talked to online? this guy burleigh
Who do you talk to most online? sarah, eric, mike, justin
Who are you on the phone with most? nobody now, but mostly dillon
Who do you trust most? nobody
Who listens to your problems? sarah
Who do you fight most with? i dont like fighting
Who's the nicest? idk.
Who's the most outgoing? dillon
Who's the best singer? i dont care. oh u mean out of my friends? havent heard them all sing, but probly schuyler
Who's on your shit-list? i dont have one
Have you ever thought of having sex with a friend? :-X
Do you like your family? usually :P
Do you always feel understood? no, so i never talk.
Who's the loudest friend? i dont like loud ppl, so im not usually friends with them very long :P
Do you trust others easily? no.
Name one person whose arms you feel safe in: sarah.
Do your friends know you? only the things ive actually told them.
Friend that lives farthest away: eric from florida
- - - - LOVE - - - -
Did you get frightened or uncomfortable seeing that as a section title? i didnt even realize there WERE section titles.
Do you consider love a mistake? what is love? [baby dont hurt me, dont hurt me, no more...]
What do you find romantic? why would i write the answer to that question down?
Do you prefer knowing someone before dating them or going "blind"? im a big supporter of the whole friends-first idea
Have you ever wished it was more "socially acceptable" for a girl to ask a guy out? no.
Have you ever been romantically attracted to someone physically unattractive? i, dont know.
Do you think the opposite sex finds you good looking? no sir
What is best about the opposite sex? ummm... heh... i lovey the stomach...
What is the worst thing about the opposite sex? is there anything bad?
Do you read porn? no
Read the articles? no
Just the pics? no
What's the last present someone gave you? i havent really gotten a real present recently.
Do you consider your significant other hot? god yes.
What would you do if you were walking down the street and saw some hot guy/girl standing on the sidewalk? act normal?
- - - - -RIGHT THIS MOMENT- - - - -
Are you going out? i probly should, go to class, or at least go eat lunch.
Will it be with your significant other? i would like her to join me, but i believe shes at class.
Are you with some random person? no
What are you wearing right now? New Paltz tshirt and khakis
Body-part you're touching right now: when im not typing, i have my left hand on my leg.
What are you worried about right now? dropping my math class, i just emailed my advisor 2 seconds ago.
What book are you reading? i dont read
What's on your mousepad? my mousepad is a pad of paper, it has album lists and phone numbers and the like
Use 5 words to describe how you're feeling: indecisive, unenthusiastic, lazy, bored, emotionless
Are you bored? yea
Are you tired? yea
Are you talking to anyone online? no
Are you talking to anyone on the phone? no
Are you lonely or content? both
Are you listening to music? no, cuz my roommate is asleep, but otherwise i listen 24/7
well whoopdefreakingdoo, that was a huge waste of time.
--::x::--
...next
10-31-04 / 3:19am HALLOWEENEY
mmmmmmm gravy moodage
http://www.redbaron.com/publish/images/ppage_c12i.gif
so yummity
ahhhhh sarah is wonderful
i went to my aunts house today for a party thingamabobber, my gma came up from florida for today, so me and my sis drove out there to see her. lots of food and talking and people. jenna and evan are so cute [cousin's youngins]. i was non-stop questioned about sarah, one by one every single one of my relatives asked "soooo i hear you found a girl..." etc etc etc... then i also had a follow-up conversation with my mom, in response to the phone conversation that we had a while back, and it was great to be able to talk to her about stuff, and she wanted more info about sarah, because hey, my mom has no idea whats going on cuz shes far away at home. i explained why i think me and sarah get along so well, why i think shes perfect for me, i tried to explain her personality and how she is, and just... her wonderfulness. it made my mom really happy. after actually voicing all of my thoughts on sarah to my mom, it made me appreciate sarah even more. like i dont mean to bring up past girls, but my year and a half with ingrid really helped me get a better sense of what i was looking for in a girl, and i dont want to be mean but moreso what i WASNT looking for in a girl... and sarahs just, the only way i can put it, perfect. every day that goes by she becomes even more and more attractive to me, shes such a beautiful girl even tho she doesnt think so. i stole some of her pics, and im gonna steal some more from jenni... and actually my pseudo-aunt debi asked me to email her a pic of sarah once i get back to college... i guess ill pick one out and send it to her tonight ;) then shes probably gonna show it to my real aunt karen, who will want to show it to richie and ilisa and debbie... mmm sarah i know youre reading this, and i know youre thrilled beyond belief slash this is probably making you want to die. i got back to school at like midnight, hung out with da peepages, went to try to find a papa johns to get some pizza but we went to walmart instead and got some frozen stuff, came home and had a 'pizza party'- and devon had a freaking huge cookie, look for hte pic in my gallery [link on the right]. mmmmmm he gave me one, its great i want another one and this lab is cold and im so tired and sarah just kissed my forehead and im blissfully happy.
i just turned around and looked at her and GOD SHES BEAUTIFUL
--::x::--
...next
10-28-04 / 1:56am
tho she gave me life, i wonder why she never feared that i would grow up so self-destructive, fucked up and indecisive
http://www.badgerbadgerbadger.com/
badgerbadgerbadgerbadger
today [technically yesterday really got me back on track, at least for a little while. most of the day i was very... emotionless... [see the previous post]... i talked to people without any expressions on my face, i just existed for a while, but thats it. my dad called about my car and the deal with that, thats not important, but he asked if i wanted to talk to mom. i knew i wanted to tell her everything that was going on with school sucking, with my depression and inability to do anything, and the two shitty reasons that pretty much made me this way. i just said 'sure' so she got on the phone, phase one complete. yada yada smalltalk, phase two complete. 'mom... umm' --- phase three, im stuck now, DAMMIT WHAT CAN I SAY TO GET ME OUT OF THIS... 'i wanted to talk to you about some stuff' --- phase four and its all freaking over now. i told her about the status of every one of my classes, how i was doing, what i was gonna fail [something i havent been honest about] - this turned into a conversation about WHY i couldnt do well in these classes... which got into the aspect of depression and ingrid [ :-X ] and chapel suck. i was crying my eyes out the whole conversation, something that hasnt happened to me in forever. its not that i dont feel emotion, i just forcefully trained myself to ignore it in tough situations, which led to never sleeping, never eating, never going to any classes or doing any work, and doing some other stupid stuff that i dont wanna say. i convinced myself that i was attempting to build up a tolerance for physical pain, no sleep, and no food. i also gave up all guilt and conscience and care.
anyhoo ive been alternating in and out of this, practically daily. isnt life fun?
so yeah me and my mom decided that im going to drop Differential Equations. ive never had a problem with math before, it just comes to me. cept this class, just... nothing is coming back to me... i hardly grasp the content anymore, i cant see the logicality anymore, i cant remember anything i did in any other previous math class, most of which i need to be able to do diff eq's. its not that the class is too hard at all, its pretty easy actually, its that im too uncapable of thinking anymore.
i think i would probably be dead if it werent for sarah. probably not dead, but at least piss drunk or high somewhere. but thats another story.
tonight was cool because right after my convo with my mom, i went to dinner with the 'group' - even tho i was pretty much just staring out into space and not saying anything, things seemed more... normal. we then made heart shaped brownies [lol] and all went out to the meadow w/ blankets see the lunar eclipse. i even got to see jesse and josh and todd and all the other people who have been missing. laying in a pile of friends and blankets under the stars was... much needed. i feel slightly content, a little more settled, and i think i know how to take care of some of the problems with my schoolwork.
i guess tomorrow is yet another day, we will see where it goes. i want the weekend to come, i wanna go see the Village, i want to hang out with everyone more, i love them. i need them, no matter what i said below.
by the way, energy drinks dont cure bland unemotional people. they end up staying just as bland and unemotional, just... not sleepy.
i feel like im talking like sarah, which i probably am. geez, shes wonderful... heh... i couldnt ask for someone better for me, or someone prettier... shes perfect, even down to the navel ring.
--::x::--
...next
10-27-04 / 12:29pm
forced indifference
http://m1xe.creed-fanatic.com/Infected%20Mushroom%20-%2013%20-%20Elevation.mp3
elevation
it took me this long to find an amazing group of friends at school, and its all disappearing right in front of my eyes... what used to be awesomely fun movie nights is now "yeah i think im gonna go do homework and go to sleep..." and everybody leaves. what used to be great excitement to run into those same people has turned into awkwardness. i dont want to go to class today, i want to skip again. but i would be skipping all the same classes i skipped on monday, and id be like a week behind in two of my worst classes. ugh.
SLUTEVER i dont even care anymore, who needs friends.
--::x::--
...next
10-25-04 / 12:47pm
tally-ho!
http://www.alterbridgefan.com/images/webvoltage/temp/93ex/swappics/after-motor-dropin.jpg
during working on my car... more pics in the link below
more pics:: right here
i didnt get to write in my journal recently because i wasnt at the comp, and i need this specific computer to write in it. but anyway if you know me, u know how my weekend was... got the car done ;)
heres some randomness that i copied from sarah and jenni:
____YOUR LIFE____
[x] they call me: mike
[x] also: mikey [friends] / cpmike [cb7t] / m1xe [net] / michael / michaleuskha or miguel [jenni]
[x] sex: sure.
[x] my first breath of air: dec 15 1984
[x] age: 19
[x] status: [illegal function call]
[x] occupation: student / work-study computer tech
[x] nationality: pale scrawny white guy
[x] best homegirl[s]: sarah jenni and alicia. whats about homeboys? :-P
____REWIND____
[x] most memorable memory: spending a week w/ dilley, catching up after not talking for too long, and working on my car together.
[x] worst?: getting hit on by old gay guys
[x] first word uttered: "music" i believe
[x] first bestfriend ever!?: tim jones
____FAST FORWARD____
[x] college planning to go: im at messiah
[x] future resident of: japan for a little bit, then ill travel the US probly
[x] wedding: eventually.
[x] children: mmhmm, itd be cool to have one of each, but id be happy with whatever and however many come out :-P
[x] looking forward to thanksgiving: nope, i dont like food.
[x] NOT looking forward to: any more school :'(
____PLAY____
[x] feeling: lonely and bored
[x] Listening: goo goo dolls - iris [and the rest of dizzy up the girl]
[x] Talking: i wish
[x] doing: thinking
[x] craving: easymac. im being honest jenni, i NEED EASYMAC
[x] thinking of: sarah :-X
[x] hating: schoolwork, dave matthews, that im wasting my time doing this when i have crap i should be doing.
____LOVE?____
[x] love is: patient, kind, not envious boastful proud or rude, trustworthy, hopeful, and unfailing. i still remember those from like 4th grade...
[x] first love: ingrid
[x] current love: sarah and my car, heh
[x] love or lust?: love
[x] best love song: idk.
[x] is it possible to be in love w/ more than one person @ the same time?: theres multiple kinds of love.
[x] when love hurts, you: pretend to not care and go hang out with friends. eventually you learn to not care about anything, or have any emotions.
[x] true or false - all you need is love: nope.
[x] have you ever been in love?: yes
[x] is there such thing as love @ first sight?: attraction @ first sight that can turn into love if u actually get to know the person.
____THE OPPOSITE SEX____
[x] turn ons: tis a secret ;)
[x] turn offs: ditsy dumbness
[x] does your parents' opinion on your bf/gf matter to you?: yes
[x] what kinda hair style?: no matta.
[x] the sweetest thing a member of the opposite sex can do for you?: idk.
[x] where do you go to meet new people?: going alone to lottie, accepting random invitations to run in the rain with people i dont know.
[x] are you the type of person to holler n ask for numbers?: far from it.
____PICKY PICKY____
[x] dog or cat: MAH KITTY!!!!!!
[x] short or long hair: i always thought i liked long but apparently i love short too, it can look good ;)
[x] innie or outie: in with a ring hehehehe
[x] sunshine or rain: tons of rain, all the time.
[x] moon or sun: moon, when its warm.
[x] basketball or football: i think they typoed, they meant to type fooSball. in that case, i pick foosball :-D
[x] righty or lefty: roight on
[x] hugs or kisses: both are wonderful.
[x] 1 best friend or 10 acquaintances: 1
[x] bf/gf or best friend: to jump on the bandwagon, both in one.
[x] tv or cd playa: computer w/ buttloads of music
[x] starbucks or jamba juice: wtf are you talking about, i dont drink anything.
[x] mc donalds or burger king: big&tasty's at mcds
[x] summer or winter: fall and spring, i dont like extremes
[x] written letters or e-mails: either.
[x] playstation or nintendo: playstation rocks but nintendo NEVER gets old.
[x] disney or nickelodeon: sarah is right on with this one, nick was awesome, but then turned to crap, and disney picked up - even stevens was amazing.
[x] car or motorcycle: MY car
[x] house party or club: house, clubs and bars suck
[x] sing or dance: im a guy, neither. but DEF NOT SINGING
[x] freak or slow dance: slow.
[x] yahoo messenger or aim: yahoo sucks butt
[x] google or ask jeeves?: ask jeeves is retarded
____MISCELLANEOUS____
[x] can you swim?: quite
[x] whats your most embarrassing moment?: i dont really get too embarassed, so idk.
[x] what are you scared of?: nothing really.
[x] what is your greatest accomplishment?: swapping a motor with only a ratchet set and absolutely ZERO knowledge or experience.
[x] do you like tomatoes?: sliced with 'good seasons' balsamic vinagarette on em
[x] how many TVs in the house?: back home, 3. used to be 5.
[x] how many phones?: 8 [5 cordless] but since i left for school, my parents dropped the second line and rearranged alot of the phones and got some new cordless ones, so im not sure now... its scary tho...
[x] how many residents?: me and pete in the dorm, but home, theres 5 in the fam, but me and my sis are away at school.
[x] how many DVDs do you have?: 3 or 4 maybe.
[x] last dentist visit: not too long ago, that was the time i had 12 cavities and 7 starting. that was fun, i ask him to not use novacaine anymore, because i got used to getting drilled without it.
[x] last doctor visit: i dont like doctors or medicine, so i dont use either.
[x] last phone call: called some random guy while i was at work, telling him what was wrong with his comp :P besides that, i called sarah over the weekend.
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10-16-04 / 10:40pm
tally-ho!
http://www.alterbridgefan.com/images/webvoltage/temp/overrated/viewpic.php?p=all_nighter.jpg
just a random pic :)
i cant believe whats going on.
i came to this school, and actually made myself meet tons of people. i met tons of people all day every day, and it was cool cuz a good part of them were because of my roommate introducing me. when i went to go eat at lottie, i would make it my business to go alone, so i could sit at a random table to meet another group of people. a neverending supply of new people... single serving friends.
thats all fine and lovely, woohoo now i have tons of acquaintances, but i never really fit in with any of them, or with any of my roommate pete's friends. i always figured i would just end up hanging with pete, ryan, kelsey, ashley, sarah, gina, jorey... but they just werent like me.
a couple weeks into september i stepped out of my room late at night and this guy schuyler is walking down the hallway in his bathing suit and has a towel, so my pseudo-outgoing self asks this random guy wtf hes doing. he says hes going running around in the rain w/ a group of ppl. i absolutely adore the rain [rain and cats] so i of course join him when he asks. he introduces me to some of his friends.
they are the coolest people ever, they are exactly like me, i feel like i fit in, i feel accepted. idk how to explain what happened w/ sarah that night, we hit it off and it kinda ended up turning into us being really good friends. i talk[ed] to her all the time, we get along so well, we understand each other... when the 'group' watches movies, we usually end up just talking to each other the whole time. shes great, and shes beautiful too. but thats another story :\
within a month, these people have completely made my life. i love them to death, i cant handle not being with them, they are so fun. i explained sarah above, jenni comes up with these awesome ideas, daniel is just like me [more on this later], jesse is the funniest man alive, alicia and schuyler are totally cool, and theres other people who always join us, josh, ben, brian, colin [wink wink], sarah M, todd, etc etc. ive had the best times of my life already, we often end up staying up the entire night hanging out [literally] like once a week. most other nights ppl slowly go back to their rooms and me and sarah stay up talking till early morning... i cant even remember all of the amazing stuff weve done, and i cant even explain how wonderful it is.
midnight picnics [daniels 18th bday], easymac parties, chinese parties, spending hours in the elevator laughing and playing monopoly, going to the R/roof floor [ARRRRRRR], riding on top of the elevator [hehehehe daniel, we are gonna own the elevator!], spending forever hours in lottie, playing smash bros and mariokart w/ tons of ppl, playing mariokart inside of the elevator [yes, yes we did] watching shooting stars out in the meadow [you two are wonderful, i love you], going to a bonfire, procrastinating, shuffling lounge chairs between floors/elevator, quoting tons of movies and homestarrunner, playing four square for hours, which turned into human pinball, watching tons of movies, having a lounge sleepover [sarah: "go back to sleep daniel"], using loads of salt, making mr. pepper, i cant even remember what else, but its all amazingly wonderful, and i love every minute of it, and i cant wait to see what happens with the rest of this year.
i just wish it didnt take me that long to meet them, i missed out on a lot.
only thing i regret is that i spend so much time with them that i havent been talking to my other people as much, like kylie, katie marie, pete, dave, laura, stevie, kevin, carrie, beth, phil, and i dont even know who else.
im never around, i go to class, hang in my room for a little while, and once i leave for dinner, im gone with everyone until like 6am the next morning.
these are the best days of our lives, and especially mine. i hope it just continues to get better, in more ways than one [hopefully you know]. it blows your mind drastically, fantastically.
im going to cry when i need to go home, i think i want to steal them all away and take them all with me. cool thing is, my parents probably wouldnt care. well they might care if i take them all, but not if i take just a few of them. well, a couple. or how bout just one.
im going home for fall break late wed, oct 20th, so i can finish my motor swap in my car. ill be meeting mauricio on wed [i get to see his car running finally!!!!] and justin is probably coming later, like friday. i miss my car, and its gonna be great having it on campus- i can help contribute to bringing some of the fun off campus too, like when everybody is hungry late at night, i can bring them all to a really good diner that i know of ;)
p.s. i miss my cat, my sister's new apartment has a cat in it and im insanely jealous. i adore cats, i want to see my Licorice right now. dammit :(
i dont think ive ever written so much in my life.
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...next
10-14-04 / 1:54pm
i dot dot dot don apostrophe t even know what to say question mark
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10-12-04 / 10:40pm
meh... :\
../carter_street.jpg
this lovely pic [redundant link]
in honor of tonight's who's zoomin who, i give you this lovely pic... mind you, not my entire neighborhood/city looks like this, but alot of it does. actually my immediate area, like my block and the couple around it, are semi nice, but it still scares some ppl to walk down my street... :shrugs:
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10-12-04 / 3:17pm
disconnected
http://m1xe.creed-fanatic.com/ill nino - i am loco.txt
i am loco, te falta un poco!
isnt it weird how a really great night ends [it went from absolute crap to great] then the next day feels completely separated from it, like the night before never happened? like you feel accomplished, you have a great time looking at the stars, things are good, ur in bed early... then the next morning BAM ur in a crappy mood and everything sucks?
extra link of the day: ill nino - i am loco.mp3
p.s. i hope you feel better sarah, try not to let it get to you, i think you need to have a really good night again ;)
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...next
10-11-04 / 3:43am
restless
http://www.hasbro.com/monopoly/images/funstuff6.gif
this was jenni at the end of the game
we are so weird... just got back from playing monopoly with sarah and jenni in the center of the elevator... we got some weird looks from ppl who were trying to ride the elevator. the sit-on-mikes-crotch man said that it was a cool idea, so yeah rock on. jenni beat the crap out of us, i just got done crying.
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...next
10-10-04 / 7:00pm
disoriented
i just woke up a little while ago, my day is totally thrown off... i woke up and pete was sleeping too, so i thought it was morning. but once i woke up i realized that i didnt go to sleep at all last night...
i hung out with jenni for a while, went to lottie to look for ppl, then to larsen for dinner. we met up with everyone else and were playing 4 square for god knows how long [which turned into human pinball], rode the elevator for forever longer [ARRRRRR], watched 2 movies, played 4 square again [which turned into laying on the lounge floor rolling the ball back and forth, laziness took over]... these are the best nights ever. the ball we were playing with has all these questions on it [i guess they used it as an icebreaker ball], one of which being "what makes you most happy?" at first i didnt know, but as the night went on i was like yeah, its definately being with friends. i can be in the worst mood or whatever and if i hang out w/ friends, it all goes away... [side note, sarah is so cool]
i want school to end, i cant deal with weekdays anymore... i cant do work, i just wanna hang out with friends.
slutever.
--::x::--
...next
10-09-04 / 5:40pm
soooo lazy
http://www.alterbridgefan.com/images/webvoltage/temp/mezmermies/jenni_sarah_alicia.jpg
missage :(
i was in rachael's room over on grantham 3rd, on my way out i figured id stop by and say hi to the 302 girls... but those crazy weirdos were asleep! i guess the late night movie nights were too much for them.
im so bored that i showed my sister how to get up to the roof floor of the elevator, theres a special trick i figured out how to get the button to light up. im gonna buy a lock pick set on ebay and go up there and get the roof door open, so we can hang out on teh roof. thatd be hot.
i wish they were awake, because i miss them and im bored. at least i got to eat lunch with jesse, cuz hes cool.
i think im turning emo, dangit, and ive been listening to less hard stuff, and more counting crows, story of the year, the used, vertical horizon, even that The Calling song and omg... dashboard confessional! argh... even lifehouse... fuel, marvelous three...
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stop by and say hi to the 302 girls... but those crazy weirdos were asleep! i guess the late night movie nights were too much for them.
im so bored that i showed my sister how to get up to the roof floor of the elevator, theres a special trick i figured out how to get the button to light up. im gonna buy a lock pick set on ebay and go up there and get the roof door open, so we can hang out on teh roof. thatd be hot.
i wish they were awake, because i miss them and im bored. at least i got to eat lunch with jesse, cuz hes cool.
i think im turning emo, dangit, and ive been listening to less hard stuff, and more counting crows, story of the year, the used, vertical horizon, even that The Calling song and omg... dashboard confessional! argh... even lifehouse... fuel, marvelous three...
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